By the Las Vegas Tribune Roving Reporter
Photos by Dave “Bananas” Williams and Lorraine Thompson Sardelli
If Cecil B. DeMille was still alive he would have been green with envy in Cinemascope and would have fired his agent and lawyers. How could he have been overlooked and not asked to produce and direct the Italianization of Wayne Allyn Root epic?
The cast of hundreds included Centurions, Roman Representatives, Judges, a Priest, a Lawyer, an Enforcer, a Sicilian Nonna and even a “Cumare.”
The protagonist, Wayne Allyn Root, the ultimate Trump surrogate and defender — as seen and heard in over 1500 media appearances — including 12 foreign countries. Wayne has been branded by media across the globe as “the Capitalist Evangelist.” A former Libertarian Vice Presidential nominee and now he can add his Italianization to his resume. He returned to the F.I.O.R.E. to participate in his Italian transformation. He was instructed to mentally prepare himself for a drastic change in his life, for he was about to leave the neurotic, guilt-ridden JEWISH culture and enter the guilt-ridden, neurotic, ITALIAN culture.
He was taught the true meaning and educational value of the Wooden Spoon and the Rolling Pin… enlightened on the nutritional value of garlic and its power to fight the Mal’occhio (The EvilEye)… Also where to get good deals on alligator shoes and pure extra virgin organic olive oil.
The FIORE even hired private detectives to locate his Mohel to return any parts that needed to be reattached during his transformation.
The ceremony included Root being knighted not with a sword, but with a dry, long, Genova salami. (The part of the salami was played by a long pepperoni).
Upon becoming an Italian, he was given the secret word; OMERTA’, the oath of silence. (Not to be confused with MORTADELLA .)
The ceremony ended with the mandatory Stomping of a large amount of ($2.99 a pound) grapes and the presentation of the FIORE AWARD (IL PREMIO AMICIZIA) with the club’s gratitude and the prove of his “Irrevocable albeit very questionable” newly acquired Italian citizenship.
The 160 plus members and guests, who attended this suspicious occasion, thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon antics and were very impressed with the graciousness, sense of humor and sportsmanship of Wayne Allyn Root, now an alleged True Italian, from whom we can borrow money… 6 for 5, of course.