BEHIND THE MIKE By Michael A. Aun
With the elections over you would think that the rhetoric that accompanies that process would be over as well. Not!
The goal of every administration, be it Presidential or Congress, is to get reelected. Mercifully, we only have to tolerate two terms of a President but we’re stuck with Congressmen forever.
Like the process of making sausage and laws, elections are less about leadership these days and more about getting reelected. And, as messy as the process is, it still beats the system of every other country in the world.
We crave to have someone who will lead our country but when that same person has the courage of their convictions, they are often ridiculed or, worse yet, not reelected. It’s the election process and as much as it stinks, it’s the best process around.
This column appears in every state and some 28 countries, but I would argue the state of Florida leads the list of ways to screw up an election. That notwithstanding, what will our country look like in 2050?
How might the headlines read? Here are some interesting thoughts.
—AUTHENTIC 2000 CHAD FROM FLORIDA BALLOT AUCTIONED FOR $10 MILLION
—SCIENTIST PUZZELED; A CHILD CONCEIVED NATURALLY
—TEXAS EXECUTES ITS FINAL CITIZEN
—NEW LAW REQUIRES SCREWDRIVERS AND NAIL CLIPPERS TO BE REGISTERED
—NEW FIFTY YEAR STUDY PROVES DIET AND EXERCISE CAN HELP TO WEIGHT LOSS
—CASTRO FINALLY DIES!
—WHITE MINORITIES TRYING TO GET ENGLISH DECLARED AS A THIRD LANGUAGE IN CALIFORNIA
How can you identify someone who is a Democrat? There are some classic signs and here a just a few:
—If you still have a Dukakis for President bumper sticker on your car.
—When the answer to any dilemma is “We should ask the ACLU about this.”
—When you actually expect to collect Social Security.
—When you think President Carter belongs on Mount Rushmore.
—When you think poverty can be abolished by changing the law.
—When you think a terrific flat tax rate is 97percent.
It’s not fair just to characterize Democrats without sharing some observations about Republicans. Here’s how to identify a Republican:
—When you name your children Deduction One and Deduction Two.
—When you’re both a pro-lifer and yet you support the death penalty.
—The only union you support is the baseball players because they make more money than you do.
—When you can recalling laughing once in your childhood.
—When you scream “ditto” anytime during the lovemaking process.
—When you argue that you need 300 guns and rifles in case of a bear.
—When your bumper sticker still says “Ollie North American Hero.”
—When you get Lenin and Lennon confused.
—When you ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps… when they don’t even own boots.
Let’s not forget the most famous Republican and Democratic bumper stickers. The Democrats offer these:
—I CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM MY HOUSE
—MC-PALIN & A BRIDGE TO NOWHERE
—I CAN SEE THE MOON FROM MY BACKYARD & DOES THAT MAKE ME AN ASTRONAUT?
—POLAR BEARS AGAINST PALIN
And the Republicans have a few keepers of their own.
—ALASKA: COLDEST STATE HOTEST GOVERNOR
—I’M VOTING FOR SARAH AND THAT GUY SHE’S RUNNING WITH
—OSAMA, OBAMA & WHATEVER!
—OBAMA FOR CHANGE, WHICH IS WHAT YOU’LL HAVE LEFT IN YOUR POCKETS IF HE’S REELECTED
—YOUR WALLET & THE ONE PLACE DEMOCRATS ARE WILLING TO DRILL
And then there are the generic Washington Rules that apply to both parties.
—If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for!
—Don’t lie, cheat or steal… unnecessarily.
—The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.
—A promise is not a guarantee.
—If you can’t counter the argument, depart for another committee meeting.
—You can’t kill a bad idea.
And let’s not forget the acronyms that government and industry love to use which could have more than one meaning.
—CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.
—CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
—BROKER: What my broker has made me.
—PROFIT: A religious guy who talks to God.
Michael Aun is a syndicated columnist and writes a weekly column for this newspaper. To contact Michael Aun, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.