doctor to doctor (if they can afford such a luxury) seeking second opinions.
It’s scary, but it looks that we now need a second opinion after being declared dead.
A 91-year-old woman in Poland who was declared dead by her doctor woke up in a refrigerator in the morgue 11 hours after her doctor signed the death certificate. The morgue personnel were shocked when they saw the black plastic bag with the body inside moving.
The doctor said, “I signed the death certificate. I don’t understand what happened — her heart did not beat; she did not breathe. I was convinced she was dead.”
After reading about this old woman in Poland, I am beginning to think that all jokes published, at the expense of attorneys, in “Disorder in the American Courts,” things people said in court word for word, taken down by court reporters, are not always a joke.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Be Known to All Men: If I die tomorrow, I don’t want the first doctor showing his or her face to sign my death certificate. I want a second opinion that I am actually dead. And please please please do not keep me too long in a refrigerator, I hate the cold temperature. And if it is necessary for my body to be transfered to the Medical Examiner for an autopsy, I refuse — and I repeat, I refuse — to have an autopsy performed on me until at least 12 hours after the incompetent doctor has claimed I am officially dead, even if my brains are sitting on the Medical Examiner’s desk in a jar.
And this is my Last Will and Testament.
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Perly Viasmensky is the General Manager of the Las Vegas Tribune. She writes a weekly column in this newspaper. To contact Perly Viasmensky, email her at pviasmensky@lasvegas tribune.com.