with striking good looks and a body to match. And then there are the
rest of us, who struggle to hide our blemishes.
Personally, I got ugly early and got it out of the way. Those of you
who are still transitioning get to continue to enjoy the pain a bit
longer. I’ve accepted my many blemishes — a huge nose, large ears,
hair issues and all that stuff that comes with getting older.
Sadly, my daughter-in-law Jessica, soon to be a doctor, advised me
that your ears continue to grow as you age. After looking at my mug in
the mirror for over six decades some things you come to accept,
including body parts that grow and others that shrink.
The one that baffles me the most is hair. It seems like I can grow
hair everywhere on my body, except where I need it — on my head. The
good news for me is that people are so distracted by my many other
shortcomings that hair never makes the critique list.
I know it’s getting thinner because it clogs the drain when I shower
twice a day. Sucks!
What burns me even more… my head notwithstanding, the rest of my
body looks like Sasquatch. I’m talking shaving my face twice a day and
my body hair twice a week, just to prove there is skin beneath the
rug. I’d hate to be married to me.
Bigfoot would actually be embarrassed if he stood next to me. Back in
the day, when it was sexy for a man to be hairy (Really? I can’t
remember that day…), I used to go commando. My wife would be
embarrassed to go to the beach with me. I looked like a pet Chiai with
a sweater on.
I actually think I could take this show on the road. Just let the rug
grow out for a month or so and I could pass for Chewie. I could make a
decent income just signing autographs. I certainly could be a stand-in
for Chewbacca in Star Wars.
In the old days I used to tackle the process with a tool called a
Mangroomer, but I had to buy a new one about every thirty days.
I thought about going into the wig business. I could easily be a
Thank goodness my head is affixed correctly. Fully grown out, you
couldn’t tell whether I was coming or going. I’d like to invent a body
lawn mower. Even a Gorilla might find me attractive. I could easily be
in the next King Kong movie.
Really, I could get a full body shave and loose ten pounds. My razor
blades have warnings on the labels — “For those who are Sasquatch
types, stand an inch or two closer to the blade.”
I could interview with Nike to become the next “Hair Jordan.” I could
be a great slogan for charity —“I’ll give you the hair off my back!”
Sadly, the hair is just as plentiful in my nose and in my ears, and
yet I struggle to keep it attached to the rest of my head. Life is not
I suppose I shouldn’t complain because I’m not bald — YET! Imagine
that, hair all over your body and none on your head. It would resemble
an explosion in a hairy body factory. I suppose I should just be
grateful to be thinning on the top. After all, fat hair is unhealthy!
Baldness would make a nice cure for dandruff.
So what should I purchase if my hair continues to fall out? I’m
thinking a good vacuum cleaner would be the best investment.
Let the record reflect that thankfully, a woman can never be equal to
a man. Men are idiotic enough to think that walking down the street
with a bald head is gorgeous and sexy.
Women have their fair share of hair issues too. That whole waxing
thing has me baffled.
I thought I’d try it on a much smaller scale so I tried to wax the
hair in my nostrils. I almost asphyxiated myself.
My grandbaby Ava asked me recently “Are you still growing Jiddo
(Arabic for grandfather)?” I replied to her “Why do you ask
sweetheart?” She replied, “The top of your head is coming out through
Michael Aun is a syndicated columnist and writes a weekly column for
this newspaper. To contact Michael Aun, email him at