There was a time when I actually thought I had a clue about how to communicate with my grandchildren. After all, I’m hip… or so I thought. Turns out that I don’t have the foggiest idea how kids communicate today.
My four year old grand baby Ava was over to the house recently, propped up on my bed enjoying cartoons on the television as I was packing for a road trip. I made the horrible mistake of standing in front of the TV for a precious moment.
“DOOR!” she exclaimed. I asked if she heard the doorbell. “No, you need to open the door so I can see the television,” i.e. move your body out of the line of view. I guess this is the new terminology for getting the old man out of her way.
Parents are just as bad with their communicating skills. Here are a few zingers actually written by parents to the school on behalf of their children. Spellings have been left intact.
—My son is under doctor’s kare today for a sour trout.
—Jerry missed school because he was at his grandma’s and he couldn’t remember how to get to school from her house.
—Mike didn’t do his homework last night because his pencil broke and we do not own a pencil sharpener.
—Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
—Dear scool: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
—Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
—Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
—John has been absent becaws he had too teeth taken out of his face.
—Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
—Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
—Chris will not be in skool cus he has an acre in his side.
—Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
—Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had the s**ts.
—Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had dyareah and his boots leak.
— Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
—Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
—I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.
—Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itmonday, we thought it was sunday.
—Sally won’t be in school for a weak from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
—My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with marines.
—Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
—Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
—Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
—Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
—Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headacke and an upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and aked all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
—Please excuse Lupe. She was having problems with her ovals.
—Please excuse Tyler. He was with me.
—Please excuse Frank. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) (die rear)… the runs.
—Johnny can’t go to school because his whoremoans are raging.
—My daughter missed school yesterday because it was “take your daughter to work” day. Since I don’t have a job, I made her stay at home and do housework.
—Please exkuse Ryan’s absents from skool. he smoked two much wead and was extreamly tired.
You couldn’t make this stuff up even if you tried.
The age old goodies “my grandma died” or “my dog died” or “my dog ate the homework” just don’t work, so why not ask your moron mother or your deadbeat father to write an axkuse 4 you.
Michael Aun is a syndicated columnist and writes a weekly column for this newspaper. To contact Michael Aun, email him email@example.com.