Seasoned travelers live in fear that either of these events will happen to them on a coast to coast non-stop flight from Orlando to LA.
Lots of things happen on an airplane, some of which are as scary as that wacky movie “Snakes on a Plane.”
The funniest have to do with the interaction between the crew and the flight attendants. And don’t you love the lame explanations the Captain gives over the intercom: “We have a safety problem with the door at the front. Don’t worry; it’s just a safety problem.” Duh?
On a flight to Chicago, I once heard the attendant say: “If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus.”
“Hello everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today — and it is also his 50th birthday!” After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues with the announcement: “Will everyone please wish the Captain a Happy Birthday!?”
On Delta to Atlanta, I heard this one: “Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!”
Another zinger from Southwest: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the cabin until we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
Delta Business Express signed off with this thank you. “We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a screeching stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”
A Northwest airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
On a return home to Orlando recently, I heard “Welcome aboard this flight to Orlando. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt.
If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide (right now) which one you love more.”
“Weather in Toronto today is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than American Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. And by the way, the last one off the plane has to clean it.” From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
Michael Aun is a syndicated columnist and writes a weekly column for this newspaper. To contact Michael Aun, email him at